Leaves by the Candle Light
by Hachi Mitsu
Summary: A story that analyzes subaru and seishirou throughout X with references to TB. Sweet, a little sad and a lot of other things too... which it's actually starting to be ^_^ so expect things to get complicated =D
1. Chapter 1

Notes: 

1) Takes place in the beginning of X.

2) Spoilers for TB and X (maybe, haven't decided yet) ^^ 

3) / Text in slashes are thoughts /

4) // Text in double slashes are quotes from TB manga, possibly X //

5) I know the tenses are a bit screwy because I'm writing it in past tense, but some stuff, like that first paragraph, has to be written in present tense because things like that don't change depending on time. O.O am I making sense? Probably not. Oh well.

Leaves by the Candle Light

Chapter I

By Hachi Mitsu

April 23, 2002

Hiddencache.com

Sometimes, in order to successfully understand the nature of a person, you need to put the reluctant subject in, shall we say, a situation that will strip away all pretense and reflect onto him a person that may very well, in the end, be a total stranger. But it's essential, because a person may live and die, but that doesn't necessarily mean they've become human.

He was one of those people. If two people had been given his name and asked to follow him and observe his actions until his death, they might very well come back with very different reactions. So different, in fact, that it may lead one to wonder if it was the same person at all.

Although it was already mid-spring, bitter wind still fought under the blazing sun, like an invisible battle of the will. 

Well, maybe not so invisible after all.

Sakurazuka Seishirou raised a careless hand as the wind blew another on slaughter of pink and white dancing petals across his path. Just because he came from a line of assassins, with questionable sanity and unquestionable taste, who spent their brief lives feeding a tree (and later becoming fertilizer to the said tree) doesn't mean that spring in Ueno park still can't get a bit... cloying for him.

Spring in Ueno Park also brought back a flurry of wistful memories that seemed to cling to the soft silk sakura petals like the dew that clings to grass on a summer morning... until the sun rips them away of course, leaving nothing but a bit of wishful thoughts for those who seek respite from the dry heat. But summer's another story. This story starts in spring.

Memories.

Memories can be sweet, as one drift by the windows to the past. Seishirou's long black coat moved softly with the wind as the gentle assault of the sun stopped short on the dark surface of his sunglasses. 

// I just knew the sakura would be great! The pink color touches a girl's heart. //

Memories. The visions of the past that clings to the air like tiny bells; whispering softly to each other.

// This tree is in full bloom... how incredible. All the others are only half blooming. //

How often has he visited and revisited this particular memory with quiet amusement? A memory that, had it been buried in another's mind, should have been long forgotten beneath the blood, hatred, vengeance and... time.

// Sakura trees are beautiful, but also fearful; that sakura tree which is in full bloom. //

The Sakurazukamori paused in his unhurried strides by a particular tree. Why this memory? Why now? Through the haze of pink and white, he could almost see a dark haired man standing behind a much shorter teenager.

// Do you know why the sakura petals are pink? //

Through the haze of pink and white, he could almost see a dark haired teenager standing before a little boy.

The black uniform of the teenager whose face never left the shadows contrasted the white shikifuku of the little boy who gathered the sunlight around him like moths to a lantern.

// You should know, Subaru-kun. It's because there are corpses buried under this sakura tree. //

Which memory was which? In the end, did it really matter? The two memories blurred away into two figures. And the two figures blurred away into two sakura petals that seemed to chase after each other in the soft breeze. One colored of the purest white, one almost pure red, as if dipped in blood. One forever in the light, one always chasing from the shadows. 

The vision blurred again before he could see which petal landed first, which petal touched the cold ground in final resignation as the other fluttered after it in mourning. But then again, he already knew.

He's known for nine years.

// Some become arrogant, yet others cower in fear. That teacher I killed was arrogant. But you are kinder than any to others, yet stricter than any to yourself, almost like a sacrifice. It's dead. The weakest one dies first. // 

Subaru-kun, are you still chasing after me even as I watch over you?

// Therefore today... I'll let you go. //

---

End of Chapter I

This chapter is dedicated to MorningStar who dragged me out of my retirement from writing fanfics by making me realize just how stupid my reason for stopping in the first place was. Also, there _will_ be a plot, rest assured ^_^;; it just hasn't been instigated at the moment, when it has been, I'll probably be using stuff from the group rpg blog Self Destruction... unless Maduin-imoutochan has already decided to use them... ^^;; I'm blabbing now aren't I? Yeah... I'll go away now ^_^

Quotes take from Tokyo Babylon Volumes [ Annex Secret ], [ TYO Destiny ] and [ End ], although a few of those quotes appear in several volumes. ^_^

Neways, feedback is much appreciated and would make me write faster =D


	2. Chapter 2

Leaves by the Candle Light

Chapter II

By Hachi Mitsu

April 23, 2002

Hiddencache.com

            It's always been like this, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. He couldn't stop, look away, leave.

            During the summer he dreamt of happy afternoons spent at ice-cream parlors, the three of them without a care in the world. During the autumn the golden leaves fell like dead tears.

 Every Christmas he heard her soft beautiful voice singing, as the clear clinking of glass ornaments pierce through, like laughter of the angels they were carved to resemble. He still smiled as he remembered when the crystal wine glass she was holding fell and shattered when she suddenly realized that the soup had been left to simmer too long and begun to smoke dangerously.

The tinkling of the shards as they trickled onto the marble tabletop added to the music. He could still remember how they shone in the candlelight like a thousand stars compressed into a single surreal memory.

He always cried when he thought of that night, whether from the pure happiness of the memory, or the sad realization that in the end, he was nothing more than that shatter cup.

A thousand pieces left to be stepped on. How long does a moment last?

And then there's spring.

Sumeragi Subaru gazed up into the clear blue sky wondering where, under this vast blue heaven, the person who held the last shard of his broken soul was. Maybe he's gazing up at this same sky.

Subaru walked on through the blizzard of pink and white, flinching away whenever a daring petal of cool silk brushed against his face. An onlooker might have found it curious to see that, despite the how the quiet young man seemed to dislike the beautiful flowers, he was walking calmly between the thickest grooves of sakura trees in Ueno Park.

But, it wasn't the flower that he minded, per say. It was the thought of one particular tree leaching the life out of his sister to color its clusters of tainted flowers.

And of course there's the memories spring brought back. Memories of _him_...

The onmyouji closed his clouded green eyes against the sting of the sun and retreated to the shadows of a nearby tree, leaning against its cool bark.

// Weaker living beings die first. //

The petals danced with the leaves, causing the shadow cast upon the slim figure to shift like a dream.

/ What is your definition of weakness Seishirou-san? /

Is regret a weakness? Or any emotions? Does waking up every morning, crying over the inevitable past, mean that one is weak? 

/ For so long I've lived under the shadow of your tree. Every night I dream of it, taking away my freedom, taking away my innocence, taking away my sister, taking away my soul. In the end, the only thing I have left, the only one I have left to rely on is you. Ironic isn't it? / 

Subaru stood there like white shadow against the dark trunk of the tree as his long white coat fluttered in the wind, beating like the soft wings of a dove, caught in the grasp of its captor. 

// Subaru! Sei-chan! I'll be eating all the oden if you don't come soon! //

Opening his eyes, bitter tears fell silently as he gaze off into the distance; half seeing the world that laid before him, half seeing the world that used to. For a brief moment he could almost see a single dark figure through his tears and the rain of sakura. It was a presence so familiar that he almost called out a name.

But then the figure disappeared as if it were never there in the first place. Just a memory clung to for too long.

/ Seishirou-san. /

Why? Why can't he let go?

// Humans can't live without happiness //

With unseeing eyes, he watched two petals drifting in the wind, one light, one dark. As they chased each other the one that looked as if it were spun from pure snow suddenly plunged towards the ground. But the little red petal, as if sensing the absence of the other half of its soul, quickly chased after it.

/ Seishirou-san... all I wanted was, all I ever wanted was for you to... /

Subaru closed his eyes, not caring to see which petal drifted to the ground first. In the end, it didn't matter. It never did because in the end, the result would always be the same.

// Seishirou-san, I love you. //

All dreams end eventually, given time to die and fade from the tired mind that hosts it.

// Therefore today... I'll let you go. // 

---

End of Chapter II

Note: short and brief, just like to assure you that chapter 3 will be a lot longer than these two chapters _

Quotes take from Tokyo Babylon Volumes [ Annex Secret ], [ TYO Destiny ] and [ End ] and Subaru's drama cd T_T.  Hehe, I don't know which quote I love best, the last one, or the next to the last one.

Once again feedback is much appreciated and would make me write faster ^_^


	3. Chapter 3

Leaves by the Candle Light

Chapter III

By Hachi Mitsu

April 25, 2002

Hiddencache.com

            _[ Have you ever seen a plum flower lying on a fresh bed of snow? _

_He can see it as clearly as the morning dew. The petals are of a dull red hue, perfect heart shaped softness dissolving into pure white powder. _

_It's so perfect, until you notice the sharp bruises tracing the veins of the flower, like blood spreading under pallid skin. The snow isn't as soft as it appears either. _

_The underside of the blossom is probably covered with dozens of thin cuts from the sharp ice crystals that froze in sheaves on the snow from hovering mist. _

_Can you see it now? _

_He can see it as clearly as the slivers of transparent razors that are beginning to crown the red silk like miniature leaves, drained of their emerald blood._

_            That's what love is like: the plum flower, the snow, the beauty, the pain; all wrapped up in layers of deceit, selfishness and stupidity. _

_Can you see it? _

_He can see it as clearly as he could see those soft green eyes melting into despair._

_He can see it as clearly as he can see the intangibility of wasted time and energy. ]_

***

            Seishirou always got what he wanted. If there was ever a law of the universe, that would be it.

            After all, he _was_ the Sakurazukamori, and what he happened to have wanted _was_ marked as his prey. If nothing else, the latter part made Subaru awfully easy to find.

            It never ceased to amuse him how little the Sumeragi had changed in all those years. Sure, he looked different on the surface; taller, shorter hair, more mature. But the eyes never changed.

            After all, Seishirou recalled with a smile, it was those luminous green eyes drowning the in pain of others that that stopped him from killing the eight-year-old Sumeragi.

            And, of course, it was those same lost eyes that caused him to hesitate to kill his Subaru-kun at the end of that ridiculous year of the Bet.

            His mistake. And he's paying the price.

            A small chuckle escaped his lips as he spotted the cause of all his problems. A lithe figure dressed in a simple black sweater over jeans. And of course the ever-present white trench coat that actually suited the solemn onmyouji quite well.

            Seishirou paused from his vantage point on the rooftop above the Sumeragi. He never failed to appreciate the irony of the situation of tracking his prey as his prey attempted to locate him. It was quite funny.

            Seishirou supposed though, that it was just human nature for Subaru to lose himself in one narrow minded goal that he would never even think to look back and see, perhaps, that what he was searching for had been behind him all along.

***

            _[ His first impression of love was that it was some magical thing that compelled the sometimes benevolent, sometimes malicious and all the time self-centered gods and goddess of those ancient Chinese myths (his first caretaker was very fond of telling them) to step out of their all too human world and grace brave princes and their beautiful princesses with some divine intervention. _

_Love was the all-cure that solved every problem. Right._

_Really. Just look at the happy bride whose perfect smile shines brightly against her pure-as-snow skin. Of course you can't actually see her face hidden behind the red silk draped from her scarlet headdress. _

_Funny, if you look hard enough at the elaborately embroidered cloth, the dark patterns would start to seem almost like fresh bruises. But, the headdress is still beautiful, and you don't really need to see her smile. _

_After all, the human face is just another elaborate headdress. ]_

***

            What makes a person evil?

            That had always been a hard question for him, being a cold-blooded assassin and all. Was he evil?

            Was killing a sin at all? What does it matter if you took away the life of another if there were always a dozen more ready to take its place?

            Maybe evil was more than that.

            Seishirou watched the only person he ever had feelings for continue his aimless search for the past.

            Does deceiving someone who would put his heart at your feet make you evil?

***

            _[ Needless to say, he grew up. _

_His impression of love also got a bit more interesting. _

_He stopped believing in it, or rather, he stopped believing in its role in his life. He supposed that it was a normal stage in growing up. _

_Or maybe it was just because he grew up knowing that he'd someday kill the woman who gave birth to him, or maybe it was just because the word "love" had been a sort of taboo in his pseudo-household when said in relation to another human being. _

_You just simply didn't "love" anyone when you were being groomed to become the next Sakurazukamori, because, to do so would be to throw away your entire heritage and duty to... to... well, he can't remember. But that doesn't really matter anymore. _

_When explained to him, why he must never love, why he must never feel, he simply nodded. Hearing, but not understanding._

_After all, the inability to interpret is the first stage of locking away your emotions._

_After all, what did you expect from a six year old? ]_

***

            If there was one thing he wanted to ask Subaru, it was: what had hurt him the most? Was it really the killing of Hokuto? Or was more than that.

            How could Subaru, a bright, intelligent person not put two and two together and realize that maybe it wasn't a great idea to keep coming after the man who had destroyed his life and killed his sister?

            Did Subaru want revenge that much that he'd face a battle he couldn't win?

            / What if it wasn't revenge that he sought? /

            But that was impossible; completely preposterous and absolutely ridiculous. Why else would Subaru be hunting him down except to avenge that year of lies, deceit and the final betrayal?

***

            _[ Sometimes he wonder where his childhood went. _

_He can never remember being truly oblivious. He can still remember being three or four years old and asking his caretaker in panic what would happen to his mind when he died. He remember trying to phrase his question to the confused woman with his limited childish vocabulary. _

_What was he before he was born? _

_Where was his mind, his (for lack of a better word) soul? _

_He didn't learn the word "oblivion" until years later. Until then, it was just "nothingness". _

_These days, he wonder where his childhood went. _

_Back then, his mind, meant to be contemplating why his victims cried before he killed them, was instead contemplating the difference between "oblivion" and "nothingness". _

_Back then he could never figure it out, the difference slipped from the grasp of his mind like a kite string from small childish hands on a particularly windy day. These days, when he finally caught up with the kite (or maybe the wind just calmed down) he finds himself not really caring. _

_"Oblivion" or "nothingness", it doesn't really matter, he'll take either. _

_Who knows, maybe he'll find his childhood there. ]_

***

            What did _he_ want?

            What could the Sakurazukamori possibly want that he would spend his night following his prey among the vast concrete jungle of Tokyo?

            After all he had better things to do, people to kill, a Tree to feed. The whole drill.

            Why was _he_ here?

            Subaru sought revenge, or so he thought; but what did Seishirou sought?

***

            _[ Ten years later, his definition of "love" has changed again._

_            Maybe it was because of a certain sprite whose beautiful green eyes shone like sunlight through the summer foliage._

_In this day and age, you can only go so long before you start to wonder what falling in love is like. Especially if you're suppose to be devoid of emotions._

_So, he made an effort to fall in love. He almost had himself fooled, and if nothing else he had _him_ fooled. It was fun, that year of teasing and laughter, but in the end it fell apart the way some part of his mind expected that it would from the beginning. _

_But, he couldn't stop wondering why he couldn't love this beautiful kindhearted boy? And then he found that he couldn't stop thinking of this human being whose life he had torn apart._

_When he tried to understand, tried to forget, and found that he couldn't do either, once more, he had to redefine "love". ]_

***

He watched Subaru walk through the well-lit streets of Tokyo. The light seeping down from buildings and street signs washed over his pale skin like colored water.

            Seishirou wondered for the hundredth time whether he should confront the figure below. In all this time, only once has he given in to the impulse to actually face the younger man. Once, that had been enough.

            But... it was different now, wasn't it? After all, the final battle was closing in, shouldn't this be the time to tie up loose ends? After all, the future was inevitable, and this was as good of a time as ever to tell that sweet kind boy who he had been watching for almost two decades now, that he...

            / That I what? / Seishirou paused in his thoughts as he watched the quiet figure below stop to light a new cigarette. The warm glow of the lighter flickered happily against pale skin, reflecting against mirrored green eyes.

            Did either of them love the other? Was it even possible for two people who were meant to kill each other to stop hating? Let alone stop hating each other long enough to fall in love.

            / Or maybe that was the whole point. /

            Seishirou smiled and dropped his own cigarette onto the cold concrete ground.

            He wasn't sure why he even cared about seeing the other onmyouji; but a reunion, he decided, sounded good just about now.

***

            _[ Do you see it now? _

_He can finally see it. _

_Love has nothing to do with "balance" or perfection or two people "meant to be together". _

_Love is simply a necessity. _

_Love is not being able to live without someone because you are so emotionally based on his existence. _

_Do you see it now? _

_Love has to do with more than "love" and happiness; it's hate too, anger, even pain. _

_Love isn't just the red silk and downy snow; it's the bruised skin and bloodless shards of razor. The reason why he couldn't love was because he only saw the perfect surface of a caring boy who wanted to know why his beloved Seishirou-san wasn't angry about the eye he lost while protecting him. _

_But he knows better now. Both of them do. ]_

***

            He wasn't quite sure what he was doing, or rather _why_ he was doing this. A disconcerting feeling for a man who has always been in charge of his life. Walking up behind Subaru, who has gotten quite a bit taller in the past few years, Seishirou stole from his fingers the cigarette he had watched him light from the rooftop above.

            He smiled as he heard a shocked gasp from the slim figure before him followed almost by a blush. 

Just like old times.

            Taking a drag from the half finished cigarette, Seishirou leaned over his startled prey, and whispered words only meant for that one person who's ever caused him to question himself.

            "Hello, Subaru-kun"

***

_            [ Do you see now? _

_The dull red blossom bleeds in the embrace of its cold lover. But, at the same time, the blinding cold is what causes it to not feel any pain. _

_Do you see now? _

The flower is dead. ] 

---

End of Chapter III

This chapter turned out a lot longer than I had thought, but darn, I was ready to cry most of the time because I was writing it as I was watching X eps 16 (that's the Rainbow Bridge scene) which probably explain why it's a little depressing even though it's not meant to be. I honestly don't plan on writing Rainbow Bridge in, it'll kill me _;;

Neways, sorry again if this chapter makes no sense, I was writing it 2 o'clock at night after being sick and would very much rather be asleep than writing ~_~

And now my brother (who's skin and bone) just told me that he's going on a diet. God help me I'm going to be sick  _;;

Oh yea, I proofread this chapter – again - (and the previous two for all those silly mistakes I made ^_^ if you still spot any, please let me know ^^ )


	4. Chapter 4

Leaves by the Candle Light

Chapter IV

By Hachi Mitsu

April 29, 2002

Hiddencache.com

            _[ You taught me how to hate. You taught me the meaning of what it's like to feel a pain so deeply engrained that I can feel nothing else anymore._

_            Do you know what it's like to hate so irrationally? To feel so much bitterness? You probably do, although I can't tell you if this makes it any better. If it makes what you did any more forgivable._

            But it's ok; I still love you. ] 

***

            His first reaction was to run... well actually that was his second reaction; his first first reaction was to just stand there like a little sparrow frozen in a moment of fright as it caught glance of the golden eyes of a hungry eagle. Well, it wasn't that much of a stretch, as the working part of Subaru's brain thought wryly.

            Of course that same part of his mind was wondering why he hadn't already fallen into the arms of the person he had spent the last couple of years trying to find.

            The reason, his slowing thawing thoughts pointed out, should be obvious.

***

            _[ After all these years, you are still the only person who can make me cry. You hit me to make me stop crying, that day when you first told me that you didn't care, or maybe you just hit me because you wanted me to stop loving you. It didn't matter, because, did you know? It only made me cry harder, and love you more._

_            I don't cry anymore. This emotion people called sadness, I don't feel it anymore either. I don't cry anymore, because, I think between you and me, we've killed anything that ever was human inside me._

_            So why do I still cry now? I don't understand. That horrible pain in my chest; it doesn't make sense why my heart would hurt, even though I didn't think I had one anymore. ]_

***

            Love made you do stupid things, Subaru reflected. He watched with bemusement as the assassin, who had walked out of his life eight years ago with the blood of his sister on his hands, pluck the cigarette from between his fingers and drew a deep breath of smoke.

            "Seishirou-san..." That one word, that one name held so much. That one name that held his life.

            The addressed man smirked coldly. Well, maybe coldly wasn't quite the right description, it was more like a distanced amusement. A hunter wondering what the blood of its prey tasted like. 

***

            _[ Sometimes I think that the day you die, I'll finally be free. Free of the years of waiting, the years of pain. After you disappeared, they use to tell me that you weren't real. It hurt me back then, even though I hadn't fully grasped the concept of death. But, when you finally returned, I was so happy, ready to show you off to the world. Oh well, if there was one thing I've learned in these 25 years of wasted time, it was that expectations were meant to be broken._

_            But I still love you._

_            When you die, sometimes I think that I will finally be free. When you die, I will be free of that lost bit of semblance of humanity I've kept for the mask I show the world. When you die, I will cry for you one last time, and cut the last strings that keep me in this world._

_            Humans can't live without emotions, whether it's love, hatred, hope or greed. Some people live for those they love; the future hopes and dreams. Maybe they lived only for revenge, or just out of determination not to give up under the pressure of their opponents._

_            I live for none of those things. I live only for you. ]_

***

            "Why did you leave me?" Subaru backed away as some hybrid of despair and hatred began to fill the void the original shock left.

            Seishirou smiled again in his own personal skewed version of amusement. "Recalling the situation I left you in, I hardly thought it would have been tactful to meet you again."

            Subaru felt like crying. It wasn't just the horrible confusion he felt and the panicking desperation and fear rising in him, making it hard to breath; that fear that the reason he lived would leave him again. It wasn't just the cool, impersonal Seishirou spoke to him in. Either alone he could deal with, but not together.

            "Then why now?" The voice sounded pathetic even in his own ears. The soft question almost became lost in the distress that caused the words to catch in his throat. Yet somewhere lost in the pain was a twig of hope, that maybe... just maybe...

            Seishirou shrugged "I was bored. What does it matter Subaru-kun, I thought you just wanted to kill me, you have plenty of time for that."

            Slowly a single tear slid down his cheeks.

***

            _[ When you die, I will never cry again. I will be free. But sometimes, I think that that's just another expectation waiting to be broken. It's times like those that I know that I will die before you do, that I will die at your hands; I will never be free. But you know what? It's also moments like those that I just don't give a damn. Because, it was then that I realized I wanted you to kill me._

You never accepted me as a human being, even when you saw me for the first time and deemed me worthy to live, breaking that unbreakable tradition to kill all who's witnessed the Sakurazukamori kill. I never knew why you spared me, I never asked. Maybe it's because I'm afraid that you only thought that I was perfect because I was nothing; that you don't even think that much of me anymore.

_ The moment you got tired of me, you smiled and set about to kill me a little at a time. Well guess what? You will never succeed because you taught me how to hate and until you die, it will never die._

_            Ironic isn't it? Maybe when you kill me, you'll find that perfection again in my cold corpse before they burn it, or before you feed it to your Tree._

_            Sometimes I get jealous, because, you seem to care about the Tree more than you care about me._

_            You never cared about me, never me. Only what you wanted me to be. But don't you see? The damned genius you are, don't you realize the fundamental flaw in your goddamned plan? How can I be what you want me to be when you've killed me?_

_            You've killed every incentive I have of doing anything except waiting patiently to die. I can't even hate you anymore. Damn that blessed day when my (MY!) wish finally comes true and I can die. That day when fate finally corrects the mistake it made when I was born. ]_

***

            Seishirou seemed startled, if that was even possible. Raising his hand, he traced that one trail of tears glistening softly against the streetlight. He paused, gazing down in slight wonder. Then, leaning over, he pressed his lips against the damp skin, tasting the sweet saltiness on his lips. Soundlessly, the dead cigarette he had stolen fell to the ground. 

***

_            [ There were two periods in my life during which I wanted to live, that I didn't want to die. The first was before I met you, when I didn't have you, but I still had my dreams, my hopes, my sister._

_            The second was that year when I found you, or rather when you found me. For that one year, I was deluded into thinking that you actually loved me. That one year, I had everything! But in the end, you took it away. It wasn't real, I know it wasn't real. I know it! But still, you had no right to take it away. _

_You had no right._

_            I could have been happy, we could have been happy. Why? Why did you take it away? That happiness, your one word of indifference shattered it all, crushed it until my dreams laid at my feet like broken glass. The broken glass you saw me as._

_            And all I could do was crush it even more, pound it with hatred, hoping that the glass would cut my skin and make me bleed; the way you did._

_            Once when I was little, a mirror cracked. I wanted to trace the jagged line with my finger, to feel that break in perfection, even though Obaasan told me not to. I remember bleeding. ]_

***

            For the second time that night, Subaru fell silent in shock as Seishirou murmured soft reassurances against the smooth skin of his cheek, every now his lips would brush against skin, like gentle butterfly kisses.

            But he only cried more because somewhere in his heart he _knew_ it wasn't real, that he meant nothing to the heartless assassin. Funny though, no matter how many times he repeated it in his mind, he couldn't move from the warm embrace Seishirou had pulled him into. He just couldn't pull himself from this intoxicating addiction.

            But that's ok; we all have our choice of drugs. And like all drugs, Subaru was sure that his would kill him someday. And until then, like all drugs, his would keep him sheltered safely away from reality.

            So what does it matter?

***

_            [ Death is the only thing I can count on in my life now. I wish I have someone to tell me that it's ok. Someone who would hug me and tell me that whatever my Wish was, even if other would call it wrong, or selfish, even if others see it as a misfortune, it's ok._

_            I can still remember the countless times Hokuto-chan wiped away my tears. That one last time she told me it was ok and went off to die for me. _

_            I wish someone will hold me when I die so that even after an eternity of being alone, at death, I can pretend that I've lived._

_            In the end, all I really want is to cease to exist._

            What more can I possibly hope for? ] 

***

            Subaru closed his eyes as the warm lips shifted to cover his own. Melting into the embrace, he felt his world drown and reality dissolve away. Clutching the black label of the other man's coat, he pulled him closer, wanting, trying, to loose himself in this surreal dream even as a little voice in his mind sobbed quietly: it wasn't real, it wasn't real.

            What does it matter? He knew that Seishirou didn't love him, so was it so horrible for him to take comfort in at least this gift from God? So what if it was just another lie?

            Besides, his mind decided, reality was way overrated.

---

End of Chapter IV

Notes: *cringes* I promise this will be the last chapter with super long, pointless vignettes. ^^ and I know the ending was kinda out there, but half way through the chapter I had a sudden sneaking suspicion that it was heading towards Rainbow Bridge T_T so very very quickly I put a stop to it, quite effectively if I do say so myself ^_^ although I can probably name a few people who'll never let me live this down *sighs mournfully*


	5. Chapter 5

Leaves by the Candle Light

Chapter V

By Hachi Mitsu

April 29, 2002

Hiddencache.com

            How does the mind of a killer work? Can we ever really know? When a killer color his hands with the blood of another, we assume him to be evil, but when those same stained hands are holding the one he loves, is he still evil?

            But then, what defines evil in the first place? Can evil ever be dispelled from the soul? Can lies ever been forgotten, and broken dreams pieced back together?

            Seishirou buried his face in the soft hair of the angel held in his arms, waiting for Subaru's quiet sobs to subdue. There was something soothing in holding the younger onmyouji, listening to his barely coherent whispers as he struggled to string together multiple words in a consecutive order that made any sense. "Why did you leave, Seishirou-san? I really did love you, so why did you leave?"

            The older man was silent as he slowly turned the question in his mind before answering it with an inquiry of his own, one so quiet that it could have easily been a thought whispered to himself. "Do you really love me? Or the person you thought of me to be."

/ Just how far apart is love and hate. What delicate line separates these two uncontainable emotions? /

            Subaru's reaction was one that he had not expected. With a sudden burst of rage, burning like a quiet fire, the Sumeragi use the hand still clutching at the front of Seishirou's to push himself away. "Of course I love you! I- I always did... " Subaru raised his hand, touching two long slim fingers to his lips in slight wonder, as if pondering whether warm kisses only minutes before had been real. It seemed hard to equate the tenderness with the dark figure who's cold amusement seemed to drain away every last bit of will left in him. 

"Subaru-kun, I think that you're confusing what you believe with reality again." If those carefully chosen words that were meant to convey a feeling of nonchalance and apathy reached the ears of Subaru, he didn't show it.

"When you first left, I tried to stop loving you, I really did. Did you think I didn't try? You killed the person most dear to me and broke my heart, and still I cannot hate you because I am too busy loving you..." Subaru glared through the tears that gathered unshed in his eyes. 

The expression on assassin's face, had it been any other person's face, might have been interpreted to be confusion. After all, nothing being said here made any sense. "How can you love me if we're on the opposite poles of the same battle? We might very well end up killing each other."

There was something about the way Seishirou said it that struck a note deep in the heart of Subaru. Something painful, but sweet, like spring rain. "No... no! I don't believe in fate," he stated firmly. "The reason why the future is important is because we can change that, we can't change the past. The future can be changed, if we try hard enough... right? And... and I want to try to change things, I want to make things right again, like before."

"Subaru-kun." Seishirou sighed soundlessly, trying to pull the slim young man his prey had become into his arms again. But to his surprise, Subaru resisted, albeit to no real consequence. 

"No. No, stop it. You never listened to me, even when you were about to kill me, you still didn't listen to me. All I ever wanted was to touch your heart in the way you've touched mine. I... I know now that you'll never love me, but still." Subaru paused; a sharp intake of shaky breath broke the brief silence. "I k-know that y-you'll kill me someday. B-but I don't even mind anymore, a-after all, it's y-your right. " Subaru took another deep breath, trying to quell the unreasonable urge to hug himself and quiver like a feather caught in the unexpected rain. "But, I can't forget you. Even now, even when I _know_ that to die by your hands would be the most I can ever hope for, I still lov-"

Without warning, Seishirou calmly leaned over and silenced him with a kiss. Pulling away, he turned and looked down the empty street, or maybe he was looking off into the horizon trying to spot the invisible set of stars that the cutely distressed boy in his arms was named after. Somewhere among the black velvet was another set of ageless lights, his own namesake. 

He turned back, caught in the gaze of wide green eyes, set in confusion. "I left because I didn't want to keep you from you destiny... we all have to choose our own path. That day... it was your decision, just like it was your decision seventeen years ago to approach the Sakura tree. But... in the end, there is only one future, no matter how you look at it, there is only one chance to make things right. Don't you see? No matter who wins, no matter who dies, it will be the future. Subaru-kun, you with your two thousand years of lineage, tell me... which matters more, the past or the future? Or does neither really matter in the end, when we lie cold with death." He paused, wondering to himself where this was coming from, or maybe where it was going. "Subaru-kun... you know, it'd be a lot easier if you did hate me..."

"What? The way you hate me?" The words were soft like the down of a hatchling. It held neither surprise nor resentment; just the quiet breath of resignation a person feels because he loves someone so much that nothing can change it. 

There was a moment of silence that dragged on for a brief eternity. Then, a gloved hand reached over and firmly tilted Subaru's downcast face up to meet a pair of obsidian mirrors that seemed to at the same time be an endless puzzle that reflected nothing at all.

/ "You're mine." /

For that one everlasting moment nothing else mattered. The world faded around them like a maboroshi, as if all along the real world was the illusion and neither of them had noticed until they've stepped into their own layer of reality and found out that... that...

But then again, Subaru reflected as he melted under a new assault of feather light kisses that danced across his face and down his neck like sweet droplets of spring rain: that didn't really matter either.

Streetlights flickered cheerfully above and somewhere close by, cars shouted impatiently at either other through their strange one syllable language. But here, under a barely visible moon, two long lost souls met as all the lost, pain and sadness of their respective pasts intertwined in their own sheltered world, oblivious (or maybe just indifferent) to the passage of time around them.

***

            Time never pass the way we think it does. Hours shift into minutes as seconds melt to years. Sometimes a single night can become as hard to measure as eternity. 

Really, it all depends on the significance of it all.

Subaru woke up alone and disorientated until he recognized the white amorphous plane before him to be the ceiling of his apartment. Sighing softly into the sheets entwined around his limbs, he pushed himself up to a sitting position and listened. The sound of dishes being set on a table drifted from the kitchen he had only recently discovered he had. 

Ok, he reflected, so maybe he wasn't alone after all.

            Rubbing the sleepiness out of his eyes, Subaru fished around and came up with a pair of loose fitting jeans and pulled them on. Swinging his long legs over the edge of the bed, he stood and shuffled to his closet and pulled out a charcoal colored shirt and slipped it on while walking out of the bedroom. After running a brush through his hair and washing up (somehow, it made the world seem a lot clearer), he started towards the kitchen to check on his guest.

            As he stepped out of his room, he paused to scrutinize his reflection in the mirror that hung in the hallway. His coal black hair brushed against his eyes, making his fair skin seem even more pale in comparison. The unbuttoned front of the shirt allowed a peek of soft skin that caved a bit too much against his too prominent collarbones. 

            Suddenly, he realized that no more sounds were floating from the direction of the kitchen as another figure appeared behind him. "You should take better care of yourself Subaru-kun. What would Hokuto-chan say if she saw you now?"

            Subaru bit back a retort about the insensitive mentioning of the sister that _somebody_ killed as strong arms wrapped around his shoulders from behind. "Why are you still here?"

            "Oh? I thought you wanted me to, Subaru-kun." Subaru watched a slim dark eyebrow rose mockingly at him in the mirror. "Besides, I wanted to cook -" Seishirou paused to look at the clock "lunch for you while you slept the morning away."

            Seishirou smirked as Subaru glared at him through the mirror. Sighing, Subaru shifted so that he was facing the object of his mild irritation and pressed his the side of his face against the taller man's chest. "It's not that late," he complained quietly.

            "Of course not Subaru-kun."

            A twig of irritation rose again at the sound of the ever so condescending voice. Really, he never could tell when Seishirou was joking or not, even during the year of the Bet when he had only been an "innocuous" veterinarian, Subaru frequently mistaken the teasing for seriously, and was always at loss.

            Standing on tiptoe, Subaru peeked over Seishirou's shoulder at the fore-mentioned clock and winced at the sight of the little hand pointing innocently at a number too large for him to complain about the jib. 

            "Well, it was your fault I was up so late," Subaru pouted slightly as Seishirou let him go and started pulling him into the kitchen where small delicate plates of various dishes were laid out along with a bowl of rice.

            "I don't recall hearing any complaints last night." Sitting down on one of the chairs, Seishirou pulled a startled Subaru onto his lap and pointed to the food, "Now eat, we can't have you falling apart, I'm willing to bet that you can't even remember when the last time you had a full meal was."

            Subaru blushed prettily and stared at the food. Come to think of it, when _was_ the last time he ate. He thought, then he thought some more, and then he gave up and murmured a quick thanks and began to sip the warm soup.

            "Aren't you going to eat too?" Subaru leaned back against warm presence around him, nibbling on a slice of apple.

            Seishirou smirked. "I already did, while _somebody_ was sleeping." Subaru blushed again before finishing the apple and snuggling up against Seishirou's neck. 

            For a while a content silence filled the air, before Subaru spoke up again in a quiet voice that dissolved into the stillness like honey into warm water. "Why now? After searching futilely for you for so many years, why did you show up now, acting as if you actually cared about me?"

            If Subaru had looked up, he might have noticed a slight, almost dismissible flicker in his love's eyes. It was a thinnest of wariness that peeked out briefly from the impenetrable depth of the assassin's guarded eyes; like the glimmer that passes through a wolf's eyes as it picks up the scent of an unfamiliar presence, unsure yet whether it was danger or dinner. 

            "Of course I care about my Subaru-kun, why would I not?" It was a lie, Seishirou knew it, but the strange thing was: he wasn't sure whether the lie dwelled in the false-caring words, or the fact that he believed those words to be only a lie. 

            He felt the warm breath of a sigh touch his neck before Subaru answered. "...You're lying. You can't feel anything, remember? You said  I was nothing more to you than a glass cup. A toy that you can break when I no longer interest you. Why do you play with me so? Do you enjoy seeing me get upset? Do you really? Or is this just another game?"

            Subaru didn't get it, he really didn't. How can one person love another so much, yet have none of that love returned? 

            Seishirou opened his mouth to answer, but before he could say anything, Subaru pressed a finger against the slightly parted lips. "No, don't say anything, not yet. Will you just hold me? For now. So that even if you kill me tomorrow, I'd at least have this." Subaru closed his eyes letting the moment soak into him. "Please Seishirou-san, at least let me pretend..."

---

End of Chapter V

Notes: eheh *sweatdrop* seems like the plot will have to be pushed back another chapter. I already know what will happen, but I need to think it over a bit about how to put it into action. Many of the dialogue from this chapter are based on the Self Destruction rpg blog where Maduin created a very interesting Subaru ^_^ *huggles* thanky imouto-chan for all your help, inspiration and encouragements!


	6. Chapter 6

Leaves by the Candle Light

Chapter VI

By Hachi Mitsu

May 28, 2002

Hiddencache.com

            I love candles. They smell warm like spring. 

During the winter Hokuto-chan use to light them around the house. We had all sorts of candles. Once Hokuto-chan found some candles with blue swirls dancing around the white wicks; she exclaimed with a certain delight only she had that it looked like the waves of the ocean were singing with the sea foam.

            No one was quite sure what she was talking about, so we all just smiled and nodded.

            Hokuto always spent an outrageous amount of money on those beautiful sources of luminance. During that year we spent with Seishirou-san, she bought a tall golden brown candle that had a dozen of those glittering amber colored stones embedded at the bottom. 

I still remember the single small, translucent brown leaf frozen in the candle; it seemed to hover over the pebbled floor of its hazy miniature world. I liked it because autumn always felt like death, but that little leaf would never have to die.

            After Seishirou-san left, I was like that little leaf. I couldn't move because I was trapped in my own heart. But, that meant that I couldn't fall either.

            That last candle Hokuto-chan lit was a simple off-white candle made of pure beeswax. She placed it on a small round table across the room from where I sat motionless, and walked out of my life forever. Just like Seishirou-san.

            I watched the candle flicker and waver, and finally, twelve hours later, die. I think that some part of me must have died with that flame.

            Sometimes I wonder why Hokuto-chan never burned that golden brown candle I loved so much. After she died, I found it lying in a corner covered with dust. I brushed the fine layer of gray off like the cobwebs of memory, and lit it with a lighter that Seishirou san must have left in our apartment.

            I held it while it burned, and when it got to that little leaf, forever in its motionless descent, it burned too. The wax melted and melted, and trailed down my hand like thick tears. It smeared across the inverted pentagram on the back of my gloveless hand, then trailed down my arms like fire. 

It hurt, but the pain in my chest hurt more.

            I use to think that I was like that little leaf. And Seishirou-san was like the candle around me, trapping me in his world, burning me when he left. The candle died, like my world, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't put it back together again.

            After the candle burned itself away, I took the lighter and lit a cigarette from the pack that was left on the kitchen counter with the lighter.

            The smoke hurt my chest, but in the process, dulled the ache that was already there.

            There's a lesson to be learned here, I'm sure. I just haven't figured out what it was yet.

***

            Subaru walked along the quiet street that hugged the edge of Tokyo Bay. It was late afternoon and the onmyouji had just finished performing an exorcism at a nearby dock.

            The thick sunlight slanted over the shadowed pavement. It still hurt him a little to think that the girl drowned herself in the cold water because her boyfriend left her on the shore for someone else.

            Subaru felt sorry for her, watching the last of her spirit fade away like the last of the smoke form a dead wick. But, in a way, he envied the nameless dead girl even more.

            If he had been able to do something so simple as throw himself off a bridge or even just into Seishirou's arms, he would not have had to suffer through nine years of endless pain. But he couldn't; his grandmother sacrificed her legs and Hokuto her life... for him to live.

            He could not die yet.

            Subaru frowned in his thoughts. Somehow his mind kept wandering back to Seishirou. The older man had disappeared again after their oh-so-touching reunion. When Subaru woke up the second day to find him gone, he wasn't sure whether to be thankful or to throw himself back into bed in uncharacteristic tears.

            He had debated for a while, and then wondered who the hell he was kidding and promptly threw himself, not into tears because that would have been just too humiliating, but rather, a state of passionate depression.

            That had worked well.

            He was thoroughly miserable at this point and still had no idea what he was going to do. One would think that after spending nine years suffering from Seishirou-deprivation, he'd have developed a way to cope. Yes, well, humans do have a way of learning so quickly.

            Subaru sighed.

            It wasn't fair.

            / It wasn't _fair_. /

            Really, it wasn't. How could Seishirou just leave him like that without a word of explanation? Subaru felt a wail of frustration rise up his throat.

            And _that_ was the state the object of his obsession found him in as he turned around at the sound of casual footsteps coming up behind him.

            "S-Seishirou-san!"

            Subaru blinked in surprise, then blinked again as he started into a pair of mismatching pair of amused eyes.

            "Hello, Subaru-kun." His voice was an irritatingly calm.

            Before Subaru could regain his mobility, he felt a pair of warm arms wrap around his chest, and promptly blushed two shades deeper than the impending sunset.

            "I thought you left..." Subaru wondered half to himself, fingering the small elegant bouquet of yellow roses that Seishirou had pressed into his arms. Suddenly, he felt rather foolish for saying that... for... for everything. After nine years of being devoid of emotions, he suddenly felt like burying his face into Seishirou's shoulder and crying his eyes out.

            And the worst thing was, he wasn't even sure why!

            "I'd never leave you" Seishirou whispered soothingly, taking his thoughts back to the present

            "Really?"

            He smiled, though Subaru couldn't see it from where he stood. 

"Yellow roses are supposed to symbolize eternity." Seishirou murmured by Subaru's ear, savoring the feel of his fine black hair brushing against his lips like a raven's feathers.

"Does this mean that you think we have eternity?" Subaru whispered back, a small smile touching his own lips.

"We only have as long as we live."

Subaru didn't answer immediately, but instead ran his long graceful fingers along the fragile edges of the creamy yellow roses; darting around the snow white baby's breath that dripped between the yellow velvet like silk lace.

"But," he finally replied, almost in a playful tone, "you're the invincible Sakurazukamori, and I am your prey. Therefore, I conclude that you meant to say we have as long as _you_ want us to have."

Seishirou laughed. "Subaru-kun. I think you're overlooking a rather large piece of the puzzle."

"... and that would be?"

Seishirou answered matter-of-factly. "The world is ending."

Silence reigned the next few minutes. But it was the peaceful kind of silence that spoke of warm evenings spent with the one you loved.

Subaru closed his eyes, leaning back against Seishirou. Even with his eyes closed he could still see the brilliant orange of the sunset as it slid over Tokyo Bay.

At some points, when the sun passed between the bars of the bridge that stretched high above the water, it flickered and dulled, but always came back seconds later.

Maybe they didn't have forever.

But then again, who did?

So maybe... they didn't need it. If they could make the most of the time they did have, maybe... it would be enough.

Subaru opened his eyes in time to watch the last of the light disappear. The certain calm settled with the sun was almost tangible, like fog.

Subaru gazed with half lidded eyes into the soft waves of the water, watching the light from cars on the bridge nearby glitter off the perpetually shifting waves.

Suddenly, Subaru smiled.

The waves looked like they were singing. The ocean and the sea, two entirely different, yet similar, bodies of water washing over each other like the harmonies of a song. So that's what Hokuto-chan meant.

The world smoothed itself out as two souls sighed. The waves were singing. A pure sirenic song, meant for their ears alone.

---

End of Chapter VI

Notes: YAY!! Another chapter done ^^ pleeeaaase let me know if I'm just wasting time _;; if I am, I really should be studying anyways. *sigh*


	7. Chapter 7

Leaves by the Candle Light

Chapter VII

By Hachi Mitsu

Hiddencache.com

            This was wrong, how could this be?

            / A single Tree /

            No. No. No.

            / Two figures. /

            He walked into a room that draped heavy with the smell of disinfectant and despair.

            / A single shadow. /

            It was like stepping into a symphony that had already begun.

            It was a three-part symphony; a perpetually spinning wheel where the beginning lies far after the end had long passed by in a whirling rage.

            / Where am I? /

            Subaru blinked into the ghost of two mismatching eyes.

            A smile...

            A strike...

A lie...

            / Subaru-chan, I'm so sorry... /

            A death.

            / Subaru-chan... /

            A faint voice called out to him from the past like the delicate tendril reaching forward from the past. A voice no longer with an origin.

            "...Sumeragi-san!"

            A voice from far away. A voice not like before. Subaru blinked again and saw only a large bed swathed with blankets and gauze. No cold eyes. No fake smile. It was like being woken from an endless dream by a shower of ice. Like reaching through layers of water at the moment of death; reaching, reaching, touching nothing.

            "Sumeragi-san! Are you alright?"

            Arisugawa. Arisugawa Sorata, the gregarious young priest from Kouyasan that had found Subaru after... Subaru closed his eyes in denial of what had happened only hours before at the fallen Nakano Sun Plaza. He blocked the world, but only saw those bottomless eyes against the starless backdrop of his personal hell.

            So he opened his eyes. The cheerful priest wasn't smiling anymore. Concern laced his eyes, which were trained on the unmoving figure in bed.

            Kamui.

            Without answering Subaru walked over to the boy.

            The irony that the being who had only hours before possessed the power to choose between the powers of God was now just a motionless masquerade of a helpless boy.

            How ironic that only hours before Subaru had believed he was happy.

            Subaru looked at Kamui but saw another boy, sitting under the tears of his sister. Another soul torn apart by destiny. Subaru placed his hands on either side of the dark haired boy's face, and looked into those lifeless violet eyes.

            How could anything so beautiful be so dead?

            Subaru leaned closer as he begun to chant. This was inevitable. The wound on his chest burned with searing pain as the fresh gash protested, but Subaru hovered motionless over Kamui.

            So it begins again.

            The chanting faded as blackness replaced the mantra of hope. As the rest of the Dragons of Heaven watched on with sickened apprehension, Subaru dived into the whirlpool of frazzled emotions that was once Kamui's mind...

            And destiny, prepared to screw them over one last time.

***

            There is a contemporary poem by a peculiar man whose name escaped him. The poem had a simple title: "Tunnel". In the nightmarish setting of the poem, a boy watched, for days, a stranger who stood motionless before his house. In his fear and despair, the boy shouted, threatened suicide and destroyed his own life in attempted to rid himself of that frozen statue that stood in his yard. 

At last in one final act of desperation, the boy dug a tunnel into the yard of a neighboring house. Upon immerging from his self imposed hell, no longer a boy, he stood before the house, too tired to move, too weak to call for help, too faded to hear the shouts of anger and fright. He only stood there for days, waiting for the help that will come.

            In his attempt to escape that which he could not understand and feared, he became what he loathed.

            Perhaps the greatest injustice brought onto Subaru was his lost of self.

***

            Coming to Nakano had been a bad idea. He knew it, he knew it, he knew it. But he came anyway, because the thought of so many people dying for of his personal duel with destiny made him cringe with guilt.

            So Subaru threw caution to the wind and followed the line of destruction to the towering building. As he stepped tentatively across the trembling grounds part of him wondered if he should be surprised, despite all that had transpired, all that he had learned about that particular Dragon of the Earth, that the said Dragon was currently leaning casually against a twisted beam of steel coolly analyzing his approach.

            Suddenly, Subaru felt like he had stepped into a story in medias res, not knowing what has happened, not knowing what will happen. How, he wondered in half daze, could someone smile in such a situation when thousands are dying in agony?

            A conversation ensued, of that he was certain, but of what, he could no longer say. It was the bitter disappointment that he remembered. Subaru remembered the burning pain of the harsh magic that grazed his chest, leaving a long slash of crimson. Yet, some how, that physical pain never came close to the pain he felt beneath the wound, somewhere in heart that he never really did bury.

The last thing he could remember was the flurry of pale pink against the sickly glow of his fading keikkai. Everything in life holds a meaning, a reason for being, and the cherry blossoms that brushed softly against his lips were the faded blood of past wounds. Wilted, he thought as the realization that in the end Seishirou would always choose his job as the bringer of death over Subaru, wilted... like a stain that doesn't wash out. Unwanted and thrown away.

// People never do change. // 

Never.

Somewhere out there, Subaru felt the sharp pain of a boy he never met slice through his misery. There were others worse off than he was, but for now, the thought did nothing to appease him. 

***

            When Subaru finally returned home, he entered an apartment devoid of all the essences one would relate with home.

            But in the grayscale of the apartment at dusk was a simple unornamented glass in which perched a single white rose with flaring petals whose edges were laced in red. The water that half filled the cup caught the last breath of light from a far away window and cast a glowing shadow of a brilliant white square on the black tabletop.

            // Even the darkness will fade in the light. //

            Subaru smiled a little barely perceivable turn of lips, and reached to turn on the lights. As artificial light flooded the room into color, the single patch of white disappeared.

---

End of Chapter VII

Note: the middle part was a flashback of Nakano. Ok. Don't kill me if you didn't like that _ I'll make things better in the next chapter =D which will be out very very soon because it's killing me too ~_~


	8. Chapter 8

Leaves by the Candle Light

Chapter VIII

By Hachi Mitsu

Hiddencache.com

            The human hand is an intricate object. Long slender bones join together to form a precise instrument, capable of many things. Stretched elegantly under soft pale skin, it can also be simply a work of art; human hands in general, his hands in particular.

            Subaru stared silently. Those hands before him were not posed in prayer, calling upon some greater power to release the souls of those trapped in the living world. Nor were they set in the position of meditation, instead his pallid skin was laced in thick ropes of blood; twisting and entwining, as if trying to merge with his very soul.

            Subaru stared in horror, because it was all he could do.

            Some part of his mind must have registered that, no, this wasn't real, it couldn't be. But, that silent voice struggled, flared and finally faded like so much empty smoke. It seemed real enough.

            All he could do was stare, wondering vaguely if the blood was his own, or perhaps it belonged to that dark specter that seemed to hover in his arms, growing colder and colder.

            He wondered what it would taste like, that warm rivulet that poured from the joint of his wrist to the tip of his fingers. Would the sweetness be dulled by the biter tears that he vaguely registered were sliding down his face, diluting the red? Would the fact that this wasn't real change it's silky texture?

            His hands had spent eight years of his childhood hiding beneath a pair of black gloves, now, nine years later; they wore only a layer of liquid red.

            At some point he ceased to care to interpret the scene before him, aware only of a dull pain with no origin. And then, even that faded.

***

            There was something distinctively odd that he couldn't quite place. Subaru struggled to open his eyes. They felt that they were sealed shut. Upon facing the full assault of the midmorning sun, he quickly concluded that it was an undeniably bad idea.

            Then he realized what was wrong.

            The sun seeped as soothingly as a fully occupied pin cushion through only _one_ of his sore eyelids. His right side was shroud in darkness.

            Before he could panic and reach for that disturbing patch of nothingness, someone grabbed his hands.

            "Subaru!"

            Cautiously he opened his left eye again and saw Kamui hovering nervously over him. Slowly his mind registered the stream of apologies.

            Why was he apologizing? Subaru reached back into his memories of the day before. It wasn't Kamui's fault. He had wanted it. He couldn't remember _why_ per se, just some vague recollection that Fuuma had looked disturbingly like Seishirou. In fact, he had thought that he _was_ the assassin.

            The eye. That was what Kamui was so upset about. Subaru touched the bandages.

            "Don't apologize Kamui. It was my wish."

            The boy started to argue, but then thought better of it. "Why?"

            Subaru didn't know the answer himself, but he gave it his best shot. "Kamui... have you ever wondered why things happen the way they do? I mean, when we look into the future, we see so many possibilities, but no matter how many ways something can happen, there is only one future; only one thing can happen."

            Kamui remained silent.

            "Everything boils down to only _one_. And who makes the decision of what that _one_ future would be? One could say that it is the decisions of all those involved. But their decisions are based on their personal lives, environment, and opinions. And who controls those? Who controls how we are born, how we think, and what we go through?"

            "Are you saying that you believe we don't have a chance of defeating destiny?" Kamui's eyes flared, like violet fire.

            "No... I'm just saying..." Subaru sighed. His head hurts, throbbing endlessly and his bandages felt like chains. "I'm just saying that whatever happened yesterday, it didn't matter. It was just one more step towards the _one_ future. So stop worrying."

            It was true. No one really makes a decision. The future starts out as what can be imagined as a plane of infinite number of candles. Then something happens to trigger an action, which limits the plane so that the number of possibly is now finite. 

From then one, the candles are knocked over, or snuffed out. One by one. Destiny doesn't set a future. It just eliminates the possibilities. 

There's no such thing as "chance". If one were to flip a coin and observe it using equipments sophisticated enough to analyze the direction it falls, gravitational pull, air resistance and what not, we would know which way it lands long before it touches the ground.

This is where we live, a world of cold precision where everything is defined. Yet nothing is certain.

Subaru closed his eyes, because, it was a great alternative to staring into Kamui's huge accusing eyes. 

"Subaru?"

"Yes?"

"If the future is already decided, why can people like Hinoto see the future? What's the use if you know what will happen but can do nothing to change it?"

"Maybe," Subaru murmured, feeling sleep steal over him again. His mind was on that dream. The one he still did not fully understand "it's so that we can make the best of what we have left."

Kamui thought the curious answer over, then applied it to his question. He smiled. "Thank you Subaru..."

"Hmm." 

***

Sometime during the day, Subaru vaguely that Sorata had dropped by, with Arashi in tow. He remembered requesting for them to bring Kamui back home, seeing that the boy had not slept despite his injuries.

Sorata had done so with a quick nod. He seemed even more concerned then Subaru, perhaps due to his clear head and lack of numerous bodily injuries that could be quite distracting.

As soon as he sensed the others gone. Subaru gathered what was left of his foggy thoughts and struggled out of bed. He was leaving here as soon as possible, and that would be now.

As far as he was concerned, staying at the hospital linked up to various IVs was something akin to being a sitting duck. He'd very much rather be home where he at least had his wards up and a fresh supply of ofuda.

It didn't occur that walking home near dusk after losing his eye, and perhaps much of his common sense was a bad idea until he found himself lost and stumbling. Perhaps it was due to the losing his common sense part. Some where during this haphazard roam around the city from a hospital whose name he never bothered to inquire, Subaru found himself face to face with the concrete pavement. It was a nice concrete pavement he observed. After that, he couldn't remember a thing. 

***

Subaru had that dream again. He couldn't remember any details because in the dream he was always so dazed. Except...

The name escaped his lips before he could analyze what it meant. "Seishirou-san..."

"Yes?"

Subaru's eyes widen as he attempted to leap out of bed but ended up tangled in the sheets, his clothes and what seemed like miles of unraveling bandages.

"Seishirou-san!" He cried out blinking at the man who was lounging on a nearly arm chair with a book across his lap.

"Yes...?" The man repeated, "did you want something Subaru-kun?"

"I... I..."

"... are an idiot?" Seishirou suggested. If Subaru hadn't known him better he would have sworn that the man looked somewhat exasperated. "What were you thinking Subaru-kun? Tell me that."

Subaru looked away nervously, fiddling with the end of his bandage. "What do you mean?"

"Well, why don't we list them? Seeing how there's quite a few. First of all, attempting to fight Fuuma on your own, and for Kamui no less. To make things worse, you didn't even pay attention. Oh, and letting him stab your eye. Yes Subaru-kun that was very smart. Pure genius." Subaru cringed, the sarcasm was thick enough to eat with a spoon, but Seishirou continued, "and what else? Oh yes, how can we forget, your little trip around the city. Tell me Subaru-kun, were you _aiming_ for the ground or was it pure luck?"

Subaru coughed, not knowing how to respond. "Um... no?"

Seishirou shook his head. "I'm going to make some dinner for you, since you probably hadn't eaten since the last time I fed you. I'd say yesterday's events traumatized you into this state of stupidity, but, come to think of it, you've been like this for the past nine years."

"And whose fault is that?" Subaru glared, but Seishirou had already disappeared into the kitchen. Leaning back against the propped up pillow he sighed. It was going to be a long night.

---

End of Chapter VIII


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